Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhs *echos*
Im bored. :l
Home alone again neh~
:l *blinks*
So bored. I was quite tired in the morning.
Duno why I cant sleep back.
This morning around 730 AM my little thigh cramped till I woke.
Almost scream, cus really v de pain.
I think its my father way of waking me ba.
He didn’t know today is vesak day.
So he woke me up scared I late? He thought I got school ba.
x)
papa, today is vesak day. No sch ohs. Sorry that I forget to tell you that.
Then fold fold the joss paper for him.
Papa, u got 4 bigbig bags of gold and silver bars with me leh.
Wednesday then send to u :D shuang fan le right?
I fold till I was so tired and gg to faint. :x
Then I went to mop floor. xD cus I thought it will perk me up a little.
Who knows I mop n sweat and felt worse.
Never puke. Don’t worry :]
Edwin is at ubin today.
Muahahahx.
Ride ride his bicycle.
Happy day for him ba.
Im home alone.
And I don’t like it.
Cus it will make me think of my late father.
Which made me wanna weep.
But I must stay strong.
As I promised him. :]
Yesterday was supposed to meet Edwin. But last minute he said he need to go badminton with his friends le so no choice had to go lo. Pity that he missed how I dressed yesterday. X) that’s for me to know and for you to find out ;]
Today I almost cried 3 times. I get to meet him today and went home with him too. Duno what else to say la. Hahax. Last time when we used to date he is the one doing most of the talking also. So it’s the same for today. I really speechless in what am I going to tell him or talk to him about it. So im quite only replying rather than do the talking. Just because I will keep thinking back of how we used to be. Since it’s the first time we as friends hanging out tgt. Thinking the way how we used to hold hands, hug, talk with smiles, etc. makes my heart really aches with pain and sadness. The 3 times I almost cried will be one in burger king (tears almost dropped), 2nd is at my house that time when I was using my pillow to cover my face, 3rd will be when he was wearing his shoes and about to leave that time ba. Then after shutting the door I cried le lo. Then suddenly think. A?! he know how to walk to the bus stop meh? Need me to send him there ma? Then I rush to call him lo. Worry ma. Bo bian. Then I just picked my hp to call him lo. Then I walk to the window ma, cus I worry where is him now n stuffs. Then I saw someone cutting across the field xD yuan lai shi ta. Then I tell him “u cutting across the field ah!? *surprised*” then he say yea? Cus it’s the shortest route. xD mus walk hypotenuse instead of adjacent and opposite. xD then like that lo. I gave him a ring using my hse phone after that. ;]
I missed him a lot.
But what can I do or say.
When he was just right by my side,
I feel like just hugging him in some way.
But I knew I cant do it and he wont let me do so,
I just hide my sorrows away.
Do you know what he did when he came my hse? xD
Don’t think y y
He inspected
He drank
He played
He lie on my bed
He use bolster to ‘pat pat’ me
He concerned but I cant bear to tell him how I feel cus that will make me cry on the spot.
He wore his socks n shoes
He left…
It all started from 8 plus to 10 :] why cant time just last longer? And let my agony to be cut short?
On this fateful day, 18th may 2007. 640AM at tan tock seng hospital. My dearest father passed away. If you wanna know what happen, it goes likes this.
On the 17th of may 2007, I went home after school. When I reach home I find the house a bit weird. The windows are closed. Then I thought my father was outdoors so I called and shout out “PAPA” very loud just in case he is still at a corner of my house. But there is no reply. I went into the master bed room and find his books still there, half copied. I find it very weird, cause at 8pm he shouldn’t be doing such stuffs. He should be in my room online or in the living room watching tv. But then the house is still black black de. Then I went to called my mum, she say go to ur grand pa room and see if he sleeps in there or fainted in there le. What my mum said its so correct. I went in and I found my father lying there le. Then on the floor there are liquids like vomit and urine. So its so wrong cause he doesn’t seem asleep, cause I shout n shout and shake him he also no response to me. So I told my mum, she immediately tell me to call the ambulance.
I called 995 but they ‘kap’ my phone. So I bo bian I called 999. the police asked then I called for a paramedic and an ambulance. Around 30 mins then come. Then in the end my mum went on the ambulance with him. Its was so scary cause he never open his eyes or speak. :[
Then midnight of 17th my mother called and said my dad cant make it le, call me to rush down to see him, cause he cant be saved le. Even if he was saved he also will be a vegetable. Im so shocked. I ran and ran through roads and streets to get to the bus stop to take a taxi with my aunt. But she so slow, I was so scared of time is running out and I cant get to see him ever again. In the end we took a taxi there, rushing. He is still breathing but there is high blood pressure and his heart pulse is getting weaker. So we stayed, and slpt. Ard 2am I bui ta han and went back home. Because I had leg cramps due to sleep there on my mum’s lap. Then she went back with me too. Had a bathe and slept. Then at 3 am plus I received a call by the hospital saying that my father’s condition is critical le. We must rush down. BU XING LE. Then we took taxi down. Unexpectedly there is taxi in the late night like 3 am. I was so worry that there is no transport at this hour. Lucky right? We got there and knew that the doctors had no way to measure his blood pressure le, call us to see him for the last time. Its was like, so shock and sudden to me. How can a father that is so dearly left me, when he was alive and walking and talking in the morning. I still rmb that day I woke at 620, he woke too. Because I need to get Edwin’s lappy for him. Is it fate or smth? Then that morning is the last time I get to see him… conscious and alive…
The funeral wake lasted for 5 days. I missed lessons, missed UT. But nothing as compared to the pain of losing your dearest kin. Fatherless me. Widow mum. I told him, give me your strength, pass me your support, let me carry on this life for you. Be in heaven, look and shower your love for me there. Be happy, don’t worry, I will take care of my mum and myself. Just give me the strength to carry on. His smile is still there when we went to claim his body that time. Didn’t see that BIG smile on him before. I felt contented in many ways. Knowing he left without sufferings and smile. :D
But when I went home on that fateful day, 18th may 2007. I saw is books still there, opened, half complete… didn’t know I have to pack it and burn to him le… I cried, I gathered all his things and put on his bed. Even pens and battery. I cried… I broke down. I keep screaming in tears : “ BA PAPA HUAN GEI WO. BA PAPA HUAN GEI WO. BU YAO RANG TA ZHOU. WEI SHEN MO. WEI SHEN MO” that was how devastating it is. Then I duno why, I got the strength to stop crying and carry on. It lasted for days, even now. Even he was cremated, even I picked his bones. I nva cried. Duno is it the feeling that I felt he is still there just beside me. Like the sunshine everyday, the wind, the sky, the clouds, the stars and the moon. Represent him and his caring presence.
Edwin preferred to stay as friends with me… at THAT point of time. I wonder why. If u know your stead has just lost her father, will you tell her that you needed time for urself and pressure? What for? You didn’t even contact her much le. Drag a few more days then say will die? And he break with me on the 21th may, which is the 4th day of the wake. He knew that im broke down le, he knew my dad passed away and he added a blow. How nice of him. THANK YOU. :]
I cope. Without tears. No matter how heartless he is, or selfish. That’s life, if he wants to be it. Let it be. I will be waiting for him too. I hope he wont change due to her. Or go back to her…
I still love him. I still do. But does he? Can someone tell me he loves me too?
To Edwin,
I know I cant get you through sms. Or call. You said msn you will talk to me. But did you talk that much? No you never. As I tot after my dad’s departure you will be there to cheer me out, make me laugh, love me more, give me support and stuff. But you chose to leave me so harshly. I wonder… w.h.y? don’t let me hear your sorries, don’t let me hear that you let other guys to woo me. It’s a devastating blow to me. As I run through your pictures in my phone, your memories and stuff made me happy. But now your person like changed so much. The UTs finish le. You use to say after UTs we can spend a lot time together le. I have been waiting everday till this day. But whats the use. You and me as friends le, break le. And the time you will be spending with is not me anymore. Its her… 2 years… I dunno what will happen. I wanna cry. I wanna hug u, kiss u all those stuffs. But cant le. She will be the one to replace me ba… she will be glad that you showered your care for her. But I hope you still know my heart is still with u. hope yours is with me too.
From : jobelle. Not jo.
Do u know why I don’t like to go a mile further for guys?
Meaning worrying like shit, waiting like a dumb, think of foolish stuffs.
Just because guys like gurls to go a mile further for them while they wont.
And by reading this you will know im thinking quite a lot now.
He hasn’t smsed me he had returned home or wad… suan le lo. Wasted my brain cells waiting and worrying… like. Duh, wad for. Even huiling surprised me by smsing me “ so late le, becareful, reach home le give me a reply oki?” like OMG! SHE bothered to send such a msg to me, while why am I doing the vice versa for him?
At the starting of the relationship is more to the guy will concern the girl more, just because he is insecure that his girl might get stolen by other guys. Then he will become sensitive, wants her to reply him asap or he will keep thinking negative things like other guys is talking with his girl or what else can she be busying abt. Then the girl will keep talking to the guy and hopes he will not think so much. In the end, the girl will keep approaching the guy whereas the guy slowly get used to it and wont bother to talk to the girl much le… so from the meeting before school, 1st break 2nd break and after school meetings will slowly turn to meeting b4 sch and after sch, then it turns to b4 sch onli and lastly which is no meeting for days. That is what I predict.
Nvm lo, I can get used to ppl asking me HEY!~ YOU BF LEH? WHY NEVER GO HOME WITH HIM.. HEY, WHY BREAK YOU ALONE? NEVER GO MEET YOUR BF AH? WHERE IS YOUR BF? WHY U ALONE AGAIN?
Yup. So that’s it. Practically u will see me drawing in classes la, cus im lonely. :D
Now at class, so sians.
Change group le. Become with sarah, iman, rid and kumar. =..=
Don’t like to be with kumar. Cus he always talk no action, NATO sia.
Boringggg. Today its more than words. The topic I mean.
Hungryyyy. Ate 2 rows of fishballs and gave away 2 of them. Then ate rara’s chips… ate quite a lot. But still hungry… =.= sians…
Nini, I got msg u leh, why no reply, why no online. Im lonely like shiiiiiitttttt. &@%$*#$%#$ :[[
Rid brought her gf in class today, hahax. Heng its vippy’s lesson… hahax.
Jobelle is bored…. Cus there isn’t nini. :[ hope 2nd break can see him. After sch he got smth on so have to wait till he settle his things then can go home early. ;s then tml got communication ut. RAWs.
Anyway. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI YIN~~~ *I keep singing happy bdae to her that day* ice skating is FUN! But PAINFUL too. In the end is my shorts the wettest. Cus I keep falling and I stay on the ice.. blehs.
phew, here to blog again.
i just woke up from a SHORT nap in class. so sians. today got a relative facci to replace janis for the day.
tml got cognitive UT. tml mom will repair the com.
tml got sch.
tml got bored-ness again.
sian ji pua.
jobelle is tired.
jobelle is bored.
jobelle is troubled.
jobelle is in pain.
jobelle is tired.
jobelle wants kisses and hugs.
jobelle doesnt wanna be alone.
jobelle wants her fujitsu laptop at top speed back again.
jobelle prefers guitar to string ensemble IG.
jobelle wants fun.
jobelle had a new bag from nini.
jobelle wants nini to pei her.
jobelle need sleep.
jobelle need food.
jobelle need nini.
jobelle need fun.
jobelle need joy.
jobelle need LOVE.
finally blogger is back to its own shape.. just now become v weird all the blanks duno go where le..i back in using my old IBM lappy instead of the new fujitsu I had, just because my hard disk was corrupted… hahas. Which I regret ripping dvds and stuffs la. But wad can I do or say. Its too late le. then have to wait till Monday to go and fix it.. but Monday how? Go sch use the IBM lappy ah? But I have to configure and stuffs right? ;s sians have to wait again… I have tried to clear the unnecessary things inside this com le. Hope it will run faster… abt 5 mins to use leh.. Some more my UT coming le. I still like blur and hack care de. And the UT is abt cognitive… which I hate the teacher as well as the subject. =.= she can shoot like v fierce but her face still got smiles de. She is a weird person…
Then my mum, she is like driving me bonkers again. I dream also dream of her trailing me, wanna know my whereabouts and stuff. The part where I woke up is when she sneakily went into my msn and see who is online then ask them abt my whereabouts. THAT is creepy ok. Hahax.
And im suffering from baby blues also. Due to a lot reasons again. Which some I regret doing it earlier but what can I do leh? Wad has done is already done… now is just patiently waiting for good results to be heard. :]
Him and I are already back together le. so people don’t worry.. like there will be people worrying like that. Like there will be souls coming to my blog like that… hahax. Funny right? Like posting just for the sake of posting.. :S
Ok, back to the horrible mood I had, I cried more than ever… he never comforted… so?
Whats more worse than these?
I cant go sch, as my parents still insisted the fever is there..
I cant get to meet him.
We quarreled.
I didn’t rest at all, cus I was keep waiting like a dumb for him.
But he nva realize I was waiting at all.
U try to talk to him in a nice way and end up being ignored on purpose.
Then after time I approach nicely again..
Then he slowly talks to u.
He said he needed time to be alone.
U let him be.
U waited.
Till it was his break time then he msged u.
U online and realized he is online too.
But he didn’t bothered to talk to u first.
So u approach him.
He want u to talk to him in 50 mins time.
So u waited for 50 min.
Or more than an hour for his reply.
Then wad happened?
msn screwed up.
Msges cant get passed thru.
U get pissed but wad can u do?
U asked him nicely to tell u wad the original conversation is?
He don’t wanna tell u.
So? Let it be then.
Then u 2 continue to chat.
Its only the second day, and things had changed so drastically.
He seem so far from u…
Talk n talked…
N just becus of one stupid word u said wrongly,
He fumed.
No longer chatting nicely.
U typed a whole chuck trying to say sorry and stuff but he just do his quiz and never replied even after doing it.
N chose to be offline.
Left u talking like a dumb and waiting like a dumb.
N he went to have dinner at a jap restaurant where u duno who he is with, where he is, and u nva been to a jap rest with him too.
See the great day I had? How GREAT it is. Im pissed, im sad, im angry, all due to my stupid fever. I cant do silly things to myself cus he will break with me. So u think will I be happy? Alone at home? With him doing his own things n I’m doing my own? What things do u think I can do sia. I’m just a dumb. Maybe to him. Maybe to everyone else. Step in my shoe…
If u are sick, and ur girlfriend went dinner and spent the day with a guy which is her classmate. For 2 days, with different guys. How do u feel? If u are sick, I wont do such stuffs. I rather visit u. take care of u. spend time with u. although we had quarreled or wad. If I don’t wanna go home that early, I will visit u.
back to normal again :]
no need to worry by the way. the war is just over. fighting with tears fighting with scars fighting with conscious.
scars,
left a mark,
deeply,
in within,
where blood lies...
marks,
are left,
when torture begins,
tears,
are shed,
when i thought of you,
the scars,
the marks,
the tears,
is at somewhere u cant see,
cant touch,
cant hear.
dont bother to ask,
if you know im already hurt,
dont bother to concern,
if you really cared,
dont bother feeling sad,
if you know i dont wanna be pitied,
i know for the above actions,
you didnt do any.
as long as i know,
you still love me.
by the way, i didnt slit or wad... the place where u cant see, cant touch, cant hear. is my HEART.
im so sad can? hais. i wanna go school but my parents say i still got fever then i cant go. this isnt wad i wanted... ytd. my com crashed... now its like lag till duno wad.. then im using my father's com to blog now. all my data erased. :[ then nini is like dont wanna talk to me le.
if the bear is on the shelf, ppl wanna take can just take?? so the bear doesnt feel attached to its owner at all? then what u mean by no matter what u will still love me n the feeling will not be changed?
i gave you my heart.... only to u. if u forgot abt my feelings then let it be.. i have nth to say then.
im sad i wanna cry n i wanna puke.
here to bloggie.. hmmms the sickening fever is still here, wont go away. Hais. Sad. Then went to get mc, get the second dosage of medi again… shucks. This time is more in amount and in stronger dosage..
my house is soon to be polluted by the virus in me… hahas. *sprays dettol*
hmmms, mei yin bdae coming soon. Ms aslina de also. Rebecca de also. Many many ppl bdae coming.. on may! My wallet yao have hole le. Our anni reaching also. ;l gosh gosh gosh. I don’t think wad I saved will be enuff. Nvm. These days sick ma, so I eat simple things, cheap. Can save. If never go sch also can save. ;] hais. So boring at home. Im rotting ok! Jesus come n save me! TT_TT
my duty at home now is just to produce sweat…. Fever, drink water, will cause u to sweat… hurrs. I dun like sweating. ;[ I feel like hugging. *whine like baby*
I hope tml I can go sch. I hope tml my fever will just stop and wont return forever. I hope I can see him like that way I want.
L.O.V.E is just about giving and taking. ;] it cant be just on a sole giving or taking. ;D
pelw² hao xiang ni ^^
im sorry mei yin if I made u felt we have lost contact. I also got visit ur blog n stuffs. But always ur tagboard have error for me. I cant read the tag board..
